An annotated list of awesomely bad movie titles slated for 2007 release.

Best movie sequel titles of films to be released in Spring and Summer 2007

Live Free or Die Hard
Another installment in the Die Hard series. Awesome title because it makes me giggle, and I think the movie poster of this should be an image of the title being carried on a banner in the talons of a bald eagle. This image can be painted on the back of a motorcycle jacket (preferably worn by Bruce Willis, who turns his head slightly over his shoulder and wears sunglasses), or tattooed on the back of a hairy biker.

Hostel: Part II
Awesome because they really aren't trying hard to be clever or good. At all. Part of me appreciates their simplicity, and part of me is appalled. It could only be better if they called it "Hostel, Part 2: Hostility."


Restaurant-themed titles that make my heart dance with glee

Ratatouille
A rat wants to be a culinary master. In other news, puns on French are awesome!


No Reservations
The movie is about a perfectionist chef (Catherine Zeta-Jones taking care of her neice (Abagail Breslin). It's a truly great RomCom-Chick Flick title because its very nuanced. I like that someone really thought about this before they titled it. It's punny, but meaningful.

The internet is a girl's best friend.

This is what happens when I let myself go unchecked.

I just wrote this in leiu of continuing to give facts in the sidebar column I do every week at the paper. (Note: I'm working off a survey about jewelry industry response to the film Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows and a magical black man known to the world as Djimon Hounsou.)


More than two thirds of respondents were impressed with Leonardo DiCaprio’s performance, especially in light of the fact that Titanic seems to be all over the TV this holiday season and that is definitely one of the actor’s worst performances. Ever. This is also in spite of the fact that when everyone saw What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, we all thought he was actually retarded because no child actor could be that convincing. Especially with a name like Leonardo.

Had I kept going, I might have continued like so:
The survey did not cite opinions on Djimon Hounsou, despite the fact that he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 2004 for In America but lost to Tim Robbins for Mystic River, or Jennifer Connelly, despite the fact that she has actually won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for A Beautiful Mind in 2002 and despite the fact that my friend Bryna swears up and down that Miss Connelly's very presence "nearly ruins Labyrinth." Apparently, David Bowie more than makes up for the sucktacular acting of those 16-year-old eyebrows.

I really wish sometimes that I could slip things like this through, like my list of office pets rejected by the Business Times (most of which are variations on the Blank the News Blank theme, such as Scoops the News Gerbil or Inky the News Squid). But I suppose my random Academy Award rants have no place in the newsroom, and will be banished to my particular dark corner of the internet.

Get Rich or Make a Bad Movie Trying

No matter how great of an idea ya'll think it would be to drink gin and juice and watch Get Rich or Die Tryin', it really isn't a good idea.

The booze does not make this movie good.

It pretty much doesn't have a plot, even though a lot of stuff happens. Also! Where is the music? I want more music in a movie that stars a rapper.

8 Mile and Hustle & Flow = Good.

Get Rich or Die Tryin' = Jim Sheridan, Please Stick to Making Movies About Irish People.

"No matter how hard I thought he was before, I now think he is a pussy. Terrance Howard is clearly way cooler, and way better." -Heather, on 50 Cent, because she fucks bitches, and doesn't let bitches fuck her.

Unrelated:

Heather just said (about a woman's right to name her child whatever the fuck she wants simply because she has to lend the child her body for 9 months): "If I wanna name it Employee so I can get in through the Employees Only door, so be it!"