We Don't Need to Bring Ink and Paper Into This.

T-minus 8 and counting.

2008-03-12T12:58:00.001-07:00

While I wouldn't say that I woke up on the morning of my wedding hungover, I would say that I was incredibly nervous and skittsh for the entirety of the day, making me look like something of a -- how shall we say? -- crack addict.I woke up at 7 and couldn't get back to sleep, which worked out okay, I guess, because Bridesmaid Jenn was already awake and had already wandered into a local Starbucks.

Posting falls second to spending time with my new husband.

2008-03-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

Really. When finally you move in with someone that you've been with for years, the notion of alone time seems to fall by the wayside and you spend every evening making up for the number of evenings you didn't get to spend together throughout your relationship.Marcus and I have been together for over 6 years, moved in together in July and got married last October. So we're still doing that "

In which I appease Drew and Meg.

2007-10-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of my time these days on the train to and from San Francisco. This is actually pretty great because it gives me two guaranteed half hour blocks of time each day to read. As such, I finish 200 pagers in about 2 days. It's awesome. Other than the fact that I have to get up early in order to get parking at the BART station, I will never ever complain about this commute. I'm on the

I love a good Dutch Oven.

2007-08-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

I am getting married in about 8 weeks.My evenings consist of creating spreadsheets for the caterer, using multicolored post-its notes to arrange seating, scouring the internet for gifts for the groomsmen, purchasing things (favors, accessories, place cards, thank you notes . . . and so on), and obsessively checking my registries to see if anyone has bought me presents.Certain presents have

In the bedroom.

2007-07-31T11:14:00.001-07:00

Easily the most important room in the house, the bedroom was the first room we set up on our very long, very tiring moving day. This is the fantastic Cal King bed we got off Craigslist for $350. There is a large possibility that it could be one-of-a-kind, as we purchased it from a furniture craftsman with an obvious pituitary gland disorder. (He was a giant, close to 7 feet tall, and his larynx

Mary, what kind of homosexual are you?

2007-07-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

That color right there is mauve.I actually wouldn't call that mauve exactly. The best name I have for it is perhaps "dusty rose" or pinky-grey, the latter of which seems to be the most truly accurate. It was not our color choice, but rather the choice of previous tenants, whichever one decided that the carpet du jour should be uncleanable, unnice feeling burbur. So that's the true wall color. Let

Welcome to our evil lair.

2007-07-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

I decided I would start sharing photographs of the house by starting with the least put together room so that your expectations have nowhere to go but up.Welcome to our study/office/kitten restroom/evil lair/library/editing room/Marcus' closet.We've got about five bookcases in here and all of them are full-ish. The anal retentive part in me spent about two days attempting to organize the books in

A massive life drop.

2007-07-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

While I'm sure its obvious to most of you, I haven't been posting in awhile. There are reasons for this, I assure you. Chief among them is the fact that I moved away from the Santa Barbara area and back to the Bay Area, and for the first week and a half of this new residence, I could not actually use my laptop at all. It seems that as I was selling off all my Santa Barbara furniture, Calliope no

Pop Art: Non-Warholian Paintings of Celebrities

2007-06-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

I saw this link on PopSugar and decided it was too cool not to repost some of my favorite images. Worth1000.com held a Photoshop contest in which people photoshopped celebrities into Renaissance, Baroque and 18th century art (although there are definitely some modernists, post-modernists and impressionists that slipped in there). I think some of these work a lot better than others, by which I

Awesome Band Names, Part 1

2007-06-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

I spend a good deal of time turning example sentences from my linguistics courses into band names. These are usually things taken from the word for word translations or example sentences in languages other than English. I'm hoping to make regular lists of these, and lists in general. (Because clearly, the thing I'll miss most about my current job is making lists every week.)So, my first list of

I am full of facts.

2007-06-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

I have managed to resist these for a while, but part of me always secretly wants to fill them out. So now that Jenn, Bri and Drew have done it, I will cave in to peer pressure.1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight

Cake or Death?

2007-06-06T19:05:00.001-07:00

Death by Cake by Daniela EdburgEddie Izzard does this bit about poorly designed executions in which the soon-to-be-dead are given a choice between "Cake or Death?" Naturally, everyone chooses the cake, and when there is no more cake, cheeky dead men walking suggest that they'll have the chicken instead. That's only mildly relevant to the photograph above, but it appears that the subject has

Living on the Hellmouth

2007-06-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

To those who have seen my Netflix queue, it is no secret that I have been immersing myself in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.I realize that I am about 10 years too late for this show, but how was I to know that when I was 11, Buffy the Vampire Slayer would become such an important part of my life?I can't say that it will replace The X-Files at the top of my Television Shows I'm Obsessed With list (

Pestillence and paper products.

2007-05-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, a fly infestation was discovered in the kitchen of my office. On Wednesday, I arrive at work to find our kitchen has been quarantined for bug extermination. The place had been "bug bombed" the previous evening.On Thursday, the power goes out twice after I have left for class. In addition, the source of the fly infestation was unveiled upon the discovery of a rat carcass in the

Because dishes don't just clean themselves, you know.

2007-05-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

I once wrote a note to some rude playgoers and gave it to them after the performance. (I wrote about it once, but I don't feel like going through my archives to find it. If you're curious, I'm pretty sure it happened in Spring 2004. Possibly April.)This was the beginning of my journey into writing and leaving passive-aggressive notes.Because Cassie knows that all of my notes left around this

For the apparel doth oft proclaim the man.

2007-05-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I have a Denmark sweatshirt that I made when I costumed Hamlet on the Moon. It's just a thing. When you are involved with Hamlet, you can own a Denmark sweatshirt even if you aren't Danish or haven't been there. And when you costume an entire production by yourself, you definitely are allowed to own an item of clothing commemorating it. I wore this to work last week, for some reason.Today, I have

Yeah, about that whole saying "no" to rehab thing . . .

2007-05-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

I love listening to Amy Winehouse. Her soulful doo-wop inspired sound is something I haven't heard in the past decade or so in pop music. Not since Lauren Hill's reinvention of doo-wop for "That Thing." But man, this girl is not fun to look at. I try to believe that every woman has the potential to be beautiful, and somehow the makeup and hair gods managed to make Amy look presentable for her

Cooking South Beach Style

2007-05-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ted Allen, of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fame and an occasional judge on Iron Chef America, will be joining Padma, Tom and Gail as a fourth judge for the third season of Top Chef, which I will be watching religiously when it starts up again on Bravo on June 13. (The rest of the cast is up on the website, as well, but I only see the judges via this link.)The show will be moving to Miami for

Photographic DNA evidence.

2007-05-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

From Meg, via Will. Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™I'd say that the program's analysis of the images is pretty accurate. It was very difficult to choose my form of art, however. There were so many good choices. And I missed the vice section entirely, yet the program seemed to know that I have an absurd number of shoes, among them several pairs of Chucks . . .

Baba kreslo.

2007-05-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Marcus: "According to 'The Amazing Race,' Polish people hate dwarves." Stevi: "It's cuz dwarves steal their peroghis.". . .Marcus: "Clearly, my eyes aren't in as much pain because I'm making jokes about dwarves."--discussing the exploits of Charla on the current season of The Amazing RaceThis discussion was later followed by my explanation of what peroghis were called in various Salvic languages,

Six degrees of Dr. Blight and MAL.

2007-04-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

Meg H. brought up the character of Dr. Blight in the comments section of my original Captain Planet post, which brought up some extra strange intertextual coincidences on this blog.Dr. Blight looks like she could be Jem's mother--they both seem to share an affinity for pink clothing and bleach-blonde hair. Prior to my Captain Planet research, I had received a text message from a friend stating

Now if only he'll take us to the Dairy Queen to show off our new Balenciaga bags.

2007-04-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Tim Gunn has a new book out, and I will be rushing to Borders after work today to purchase it and read it while drinking and watching What Not To Wear tonight.Behold: There is an arcticle on MSNBC that features some exerpts from the Almighty Tim Gunn's Guide to Quality, Taste & Style. The kicker for me--which makes me want to run out and buy this immediately--is not Gunn's many suggestions for

Gonna take pollution down to zero.

2007-04-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

I love Captain Planet. I really do. The girls from WETT and I spend a good deal of time yesterday talking about how early 90s cartoons indoctrinated us into a variety of forms of environmental action, and how that is the current purpose of a film like Happy Feet. (Which also has a lot of other things going on in it that I will not discuss now.) We learned to save the rainforests and not create

Bringing the shag back into style.

2007-04-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Another wonderful text message:"Meg Ryan's dog looks like her."I wonder if they see the same stylist.

Filthy gorgeous.

2007-04-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Text message of the day:"I want to lick your mutton chops and grab your love handles" From Marcus.My response: "Do I have to be in drag for this activity?"

I'm like a chocoholic, but with booze.

2007-04-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

According to a new study in the Journal of Food Science and Agriculture, fruity cocktails are now health foods!Apparently, adding ethanol to berries boosts the antioxidants, meaning that I no longer have to drink booze that contains eggs to consider it a breakfast drink. I can now enjoy strawberry daquiris with my oatmeal and treat them like smoothies! Yay!Happy hour is now all day long! Yay!(

Long live Swarley.

2007-04-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

Text message from Marcus, which makes a nice follow-up to my last How I Met Your Mother post:"I am having a Swarley situation right now at Starbuck's. The guy wrote 'Parkis' on my cup."It is amazing how often names get misheard. At least, my coworkers state, he wasn't called "Farkis." That would be a lot worse.

She told you not to use the fog machine while she's on the hippity-hop.

2007-04-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

Next to Veronica Mars, this is my favorite non-reality show on television.Mark Lotto of the Observer does a great job of explaining why you should be watching. So suit up!

The way to my heart is, in fact, through my stomach.

2007-04-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

I fully expected the Food Network awards to go something like this:Best Half-Assed Cookin': Sandra Lee for "Semi-Homemade"Best Sweater Potatoes: Giada DeLaurentis for all of her low-cut topsBest Douchebag: Bobby Flay for "Throwdown with Bobby Flay"Best Ingestion of Sheep Intestines: Alton Brown for that one episode of "Feasting on Asphalt" where he goes to a Navajo reservation and learns how to

Bravo to Shear Genius.

2007-04-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

I watched the entire season of Top Design, even though I basically complained about every minute of it. Magen and I just couldn't help watching it. We needed something to fill the void left in our souls by Project Runway and Top Chef. But Top Design just didn't make the cut for us, and I have several reasons why. Nevertheless, we dutifully sat down and watched it on Wednesday night after

Lana Turner was always well turned-out.

2007-04-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have been lazy/bored/busy/whatever in the past couple of weeks.As you can see, I only managed to muster up the desire to change the look and title of this place.I like the new design a lot better; it feels somehow more legible than the last, Edward Gorey-Tim Burton infusion I had. (Which I liked, no doubt, but it wasn't as . . . internety, if that makes any sense.) This incarnation I think has

The Rainbow Disconnection

2007-04-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've actually been trying to post this video for weeks, but every time I try, YouTube rejects me. Thus, you have all been disconnected from the rainbow for far, far too long.As you may already know, I am afraid of Muppets. And you should be, too. But you should also be sad for them, because the following video reveals the truly sad life they lead.Behold what has become of Kermit in his music

Which Way Secret Door

2007-03-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

As we will not hear from the CW until April for hard and fast news of the fate of one Veronica Mars (although Drew has posted some speculations based on cast members other projects), TV Addict has created something for the meantime while the show is on hiatus. It's an imagined version of the hypothetical 4th season, crafted like one of those Which Way Secret Door Choose Your Own Adventure books I

Only slightly less famous than "Never go up against a Silicilian when death is on the line"

2007-03-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, I uncover phrases that I have been wrongly making solicisms out of for years. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I realized the phrase was not "for all intensive purposes" but "for all intents and purposes." Both of these make sense, except for the fact that an "intensive purpose" seems like something much more dire than I was using it as for all those

Demon puppets are out to get us all.

2007-03-13T15:11:00.001-07:00

I am not the only victim.Bert is apparently wreaking havoc throughout the world. See? He's a wanted muppet.Granted, he did not look nearly as threatening when he cornered me and my coworkers in our own building and terrorized us with balloons and songs about rubber duckies. But beware, my friends, there is documented evidence of his numerous debaucherous activities, including terrorism, rape and

For anyone who dares question my inner black girl:

2007-03-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

Without African-Americans, English Would Just Sit There Thug holding up cigarette: Sulfur?Suit: Huh?Thug: Fire?Suit: What?Thug: Burn?Suit: I don't... Uh...Thug: Spark?Suit: Wha--?Thug: Blaze?Old black woman in nurse's uniform at next table: He wants to know if you have a match. Learn to speak English, nigga!--Wendy's, Fulton Mall, BrooklynOverheard by: Big Larryvia Overheard in

Watching The Food Network with your hand down your pants.

2007-02-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

Last nights 11 p.m. rerun of Miami Ink featured the most audacious of all celebrity chefs, Anthony Bourdain, getting a skull tattoo from Chris Garver. I love Tony as much as everyone else does--you have to give a guy credit for exposing the raw underbelly of an industry, being blackballed for years and yet is still always held in the highest of respect by his peers. It takes quite a special man

I say you he dead.

2007-02-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through some non-Oscar red carpet photos at YumSugar.com's coverage of the Food Network Awards and I found the only episode of "Throwdown with Bobby Flay" I would ever really want to watch:I am not the biggest fan of Bobby Flay. I like watching him battle on Iron Chef, but I absolutely will not watch Throwdown. The entire concept of the show is that Flay is an asshole who

Vagina Valley, California

2007-02-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

It is well known to anyone who knows Marcus and I that we have basically destroyed any notions of comprehensible speech in our everyday conversations with one another. We replace any given syllable of a word with the word "fee" such that delicious might become "feelicious," etc. It's one the beginning of the strange language games we play with each other. We started calling each other "fee" as a

Runway the Real Way, or TDBKR in Heaven

2007-02-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

On my birthday trip to Vegas with Magen, I discovered London designer Ted Baker and realized that he is the guy for me. I came home from that trip with a "souvenir" from Ted's store in Caesar's Palace, courtesy of Magen's parents: a $325 silk day dress in navy blue and red in a pattern that I can only describe as "1970s Russian folk wallpaper." As far as I can tell, Ted Baker no longer makes or

Minding the Gap.

2007-02-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am interested in the naming of things. Why things are called what they are called is a fascinating meditation, and its even more fun when the things you are contemplating are word puzzles with actual solutions, such as why brand names are what they are.Today I was thinking about something that's bothered me for some time: why is Banana Republic named after banana republics? A banana republic,

And eyes in the back of my tiny little head.

2007-02-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

Some IM madness exchanged at the office this afternoon between myself and Bill. Let me preface this by saying that my desk faces absolutely no one, which is why I have covered the wall I see for 8 hours a day in pictures of a variety of mustachioed animals, and California Farm Bureau president Doug Mosebar. me: what kind of chips are those?bill: S + Vbill: My god, how did you know I was eating

Jim Henson's dead and gone, but his muppets still live on.

2007-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

I ran into Bert today. You know, that big yellow unibrow-spoting fellow from Sesame St. who may and or may not be in a homosexual relationship with a man who eats cookies in bed.Yeah. That Bert. The muppet.And I have never been so scared in my fucking life.Co-workers and I are heading to Cold Stone not so long ago, and we walk out of the office onto the landing we share with Montecito Bank &

Souvineers from the Everglades

2007-02-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

I text message exchange I had with Marcus at about 4 p.m. this afternoon, which I could not post at work because I was unable to stop laughing:Marcus: Dude! We just stopped at a gas station, and Coop found a back-scratcher made with a gator's hand!Me: Buy it!Marcus: Too late. After she saw it, she almost vomited. I'll try to find one later.There are a few things I love about this exchange:1. I

For whom the bells toll.

2007-01-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

With Marcus working on the other side of the country, the majority of the wedding planning falls upon me. (He has contributed to finding us photographers, videographers and other such creative types amongst his professional friends.) We have a place and a time and a date and a caterer and an open bar, which are really the huge and important things, and we have open quotes from a florist and a DJ.

Sweeps Theory

2007-01-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have this theory that, like many of my theories, says that real life is highly influenced by pop culture. In Sweeps Theory, that bit of influential pop culture is television. In the months of November, February and April, television writers always bust out their most dramatic, life-changing, character-based plot structures. In November, they do it to get a nice ratings push before the

An impossible dream

2007-01-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

After this morning's announcement of the 2006 Academy Award nominees, I keep reading headlines all over the internet about Dreamgirls being "snubbed." To begin, having 8 nominations is definitely not a snub. Not getting a nod for Best Picture, while it may seem like an oversight to exclude Dreamgirls from the top honors category, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why that

This geek is officially pimped.

2007-01-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

Magen and I were treated to the joy of the Beauty and the Geek makeover episode. And I have to admit that now I have something of a crush on Trekker Drew, and only because I think that in his transformed state, he bears a slight resemblance to Jason Dohring on Veronica Mars.Witness the before . . .And the after . . .Now compare to Logan Echolls . . .I wish I could find better pictures of Drew's

An annotated list of awesomely bad movie titles slated for 2007 release.

2007-01-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Best movie sequel titles of films to be released in Spring and Summer 2007Live Free or Die HardAnother installment in the Die Hard series. Awesome title because it makes me giggle, and I think the movie poster of this should be an image of the title being carried on a banner in the talons of a bald eagle. This image can be painted on the back of a motorcycle jacket (preferably worn by Bruce

Speaking in tongues, or experiencing Pentecost daily.

2007-01-16T10:53:00.000-08:00

My viewpoint on the need for Americans to stop thinking English is the be-all and end-all of linguistic existance is vindicated in recent research at Toronto's York University. Bilingualism delays onset of dementia.There. Take that everyone who won't see foriegn-language films, took ASL in high school instead of taking a spoken language or thinks that when you are in America (a country founded by

An open letter to the women who sat next to me at Babel today,

2007-01-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

To the elderly ladies who sat to my left, you two are the exception to my rule that people over the age of 65 can do whatever the fuck they want and no one can tell them otherwise. During the entirety of this film, which, by the way, is a movie about how people fail to listen to one another and improving personal and international communications, you traded comments amongst yourselves about

Vulvan mind meld.

2007-01-11T10:45:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from this morning's office IMs, involving fun typographical errors that reveal my lesbian sensibilities . . .me: If i have to hear about direct deposit ONE MORE TIME!me: Death will occur.bill: Get out of my brain!me: maybe you should label those corn dogs . . . since, you know, we seem to have vulvan mind meld powersme: maybe i will eat them with my amazing mental facultiesbill:

A list rejected from the BOL:

2007-01-02T16:02:00.000-08:00

Fantastic Sender Names in This Morning's SpamSnobbery C. RevivifyOnesiphorus GullicksonEvilBeet FangasmI call dibs on EvilBeet Fangasm as my new band name.Addition to the list as of 16 Jan 2007: Fitzpatrick G. Hornblower

Garfield would be appalled.

2006-12-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

This morning, I dropped a frozen lasagna on my big toe.It was painful.Still is.Update: Today, Jan. 2, 2007, I ate said frozen lasagna. My toe hurt at the very mention of the lasagna's name. Also, the lasagna was sub-par. Perhaps it internalized some of the pain it caused my toe.

Princess "This-Office-is-Really-Freakin'-Cold."

2006-12-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Some things that have been said to me today while wearing my Moon & Star Cuddle Wrap, a snap-up, zip-up blanket thing that makes me look as ridiculous as this woman . . .. . . but still cuter in the face:"Okay, Princess Red Feather, or whatever your name is today.""You look like a wizard.""Wow. You must be cold.""Actually, your name could be Princess Winter Sun Moon in that.""Okay, seriously, you

An Open Letter to Eva Green:

2006-12-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Eva,I have been a fan of yours since The Dreamers, which has remained one of my favorite films to this day. I love it so much that I am appaled that an R-rated cut even exists on DVD because that film is PERFECT the way it was released in theatres. In any case, you are awesome. And you were awesome in Kingdom of Heaven, though I admittedly found a lot of that film to be hilarious when it

Beautiful freak.

2006-12-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

So, clearly, I think this is the coolest thing in the world:Yep. That's a 7-legged deer. Although, to be technical, the legs are pretty miniature as far as supernumerary limbs go, so I would guess that they are less like extra legs and more like extra feet. I wish there were better pictures of this little critter, because I'm sure it would have the most fascinating anatomy.Oh, did I mention that

The internet is a girl's best friend.

2006-12-11T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when I let myself go unchecked.I just wrote this in leiu of continuing to give facts in the sidebar column I do every week at the paper. (Note: I'm working off a survey about jewelry industry response to the film Blood Diamond, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows and a magical black man known to the world as Djimon Hounsou.)More than two thirds of

Step right up and save the marvelous Mr. Sideshow.

2006-11-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

In beginning my studies of the tattoo community and tattoo history, local artist Permanent Mark (who did the triskell behind my ear) told me about the man in the photo above.That man is Captain Don Leslie, a living legend in both the tattoo and sideshow communities. The Captain worked in the sideshow for 42 years. He is a tattooed man, a sword swallower, an artist, a firebreather and a true

TransNYC.

2006-11-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

NYC to Change ID Rules for TransgenderedI came across that AP article this morning on Yahoo! News, and all I can say is that this is why New York is fantastic. As the body is a site of conflict that I am particularly interested in--says the girl writing an English department thesis on tattoos--I can only smile with the hope that a number of other progressive cities will realize that the flesh we

Double plus ungood.

2006-11-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at the logic here. It's as though they don't realize the irony, despite the fact that the father had to literally read the entire book to cite which phrases and passages he found objectionable.

My wedding, my dowry.

2006-11-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

Discussing the cost of my wedding with my parents went far better than I expected, especially considering the fact that the conversation began with the cost of their wedding, back in 1980.(a slightly fictionalized version of last night's conversation with my parents*)Me: How much did you wedding cost, Mom?Mom: Oh, well, hon, you know, we had it at on the base in the military chapel and we only

Fishy fishy fishy fish . . .

2006-11-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

This is the most awesome photo ever. I found this while stumbling around blogs. Here's the link to the whole photoset.

At some point, we all change how we look.

2006-10-31T22:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my new look!In the spirit of Halloween, my blog has dressed up. In that same spirit, I did as well. But apparently, its not considered cool to dress up when you are an Adult and live in Adult World (which is not as pornographic as it sounds). I work downtown. In an office. At a newspaper. Most of us dressed up. But most of us also did not leave the office. When I left the office in the

Scratchers and ink slingers.

2006-10-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I neglected to tell this story here, as I've told it to basically everyone who encountered me moments after I witnessed the following event.A few weeks ago, I had pizza and beer at Gio's in IV with Leah. As we're sitting on the patio, enjoying our pitcher of Hefe. Slowly the table next to us begins to fill with leering men of some indeterminately Central American origin. They

My first steps toward becoming a crazy cat lady.

2006-09-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

My roommate was gone for two weeks, and she took her cat with her. Everyone in the house has a significant other, so not having people around at night is fairly normal here. But when Audrey took Batshit Catshit with her on vacation, I was all alone in this house.And houses, no matter how new and how nice, are fucking creepy without signs of life in them. I realized during these few nights I spent

Maxim's makeover.

2006-09-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

The white cover of the October 2006 issue of Maxim didn't throw me. They've done a white cover before. I was thrown by the fact that MTV V-Jay Vanessa Minnillo was on the cover. And she was very much on the cover in 2005. She, like the magazine, has also made a transformation. Her 2005 cover featured her as a naughty school girl. On this cover, she looks like an extra in a Bob Fosse musical. Oh,

Crikey.

2006-09-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Farewell, Steve Irwin. You and I were not alike in any way. I have been known to say I hate nature, but being an animal loving vegetarian contradicts that statement. For me, the surest sign that I respect nature is that I stay the hell away from it.You sir, you loved nature by getting in its face, and wrestling many freaky and deadly animals.We're all sorry about that stingray barb, because

A brief taxonomy of English language and literature related Facebook groups.

2006-08-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying that the English major in me is overjoyed, and the linguist in me is completely appalled.I am pleased as punch that there are groups uniting English majors, uniting specific classes (like Arden of Tombstone), professor/TA fan clubs (Prof. Rita Railey has one), and some others.But the groups that proclaim that English needs to be spoken in this country at all times, the

Holy cock.

2006-08-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

Right now, someone on Santa Barbara Craigslist is giving away one of these fine fowls.He is a White Crested Polish Rooster (blue variety).I've never seen a crazier looking bird in my life. I need him.

An inventory of stuff in and around the vicinity of my desk.

2006-08-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

*Two luna bars. One, iced oatmeal raisin. One, chocolate peppermint stick. I am stocking up for winter and long Wednesdays putting the paper to bed. *A shit-ton of file folders. Don't ask me how many. I have no idea. But you better bet they are impeccably organized. Especially the green one full of Who's Who in Financial Management data.*Lavendar Chamomile Aveeno Baby lotion. Because I like to

What Not to Wear: Project Runway edition.

2006-08-27T14:14:00.000-07:00

I read PostSecret every Sunday. While an overwhelming number of secrets pretain to sexual violence, there are occasionally some that bring an ounce of levity. Some of them, very well could be mine.While that one is not mine, I, too, value Stacy and Clinton's opinions over all others. In fact, if last week's Project Runway decision was any indication, I think Stacy and Clinton need to be guest

"Who puts their resume in Comic Sans MS?"

2006-08-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

I really don't know if its awesome or sad when I can identify a font. I clearly spend too much time in front of a computer screen.But that's a serious question. I should never see a resume in Comic Sans MS. Never.That's, like, 10 kinds of wrong.

You've gotta get a gimmick.

2006-08-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

Everyone who loves kittens needs to know that our Zoey is now featured on catsinbags.com.She is kitten #72. Her picture is doubly good because she's sitting inside a shoebox that's inside a bag. It's twice the bag goodness.Just wait. We'll get her into places like stuffonmycat.com, kittenwar.com, catsinsinks.com, mycathatesyou.com. Baby's gonna be a star!

Hollywood missed connections. w4m.

2006-08-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Walking back from Java Jones with Rose, I was stopped in the middle of the State and De La Guerra by a tall man holding his coffee in line with his necktie. He looks at me for a long while before stopping me as we pass each other. He reaches out to lightly touch my arm. "We really miss you at Hollywood," he says.I am always so caught off guard when things like this happen. The witty part of me is

I must share this sentence with the world.

2006-08-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

"And then Tim Gunn said, 'Don't worry, there's a Dairy Queen near my house.'"--Marcus, explaining his dream about Tim Gunn after last nights wicked awesome Project Runway.This sentence was followed by: "I just don't know why Tim Gunn wanted to take me to a Dairy Queen."If there are people out there who don't know why I love this man and why I'm going to marry him, this is why. It's moments like

Paisan'

2006-08-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

The Italian Grocery on De La Guerra is my savior.I no longer have to make pizzocheri with delicious, though rather flimsy and inadequate, garlic noodles from Trader Joe's. Now I have an outlet at which to purchase real pizzocheri, which is what thick, hearty Italian buckwheat pasta is called. For those who have not been blessed with this gift from the Vatellina, traditional pizzocheri are cooked

Guess I shouldn't have made that left turn at Albequrque.

2006-08-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

I discovered last weekend on a fabric run to Ventura with Jenn that the space between Santa Barbara/Monetecito and Ventura is suspiciously like West Virgina.I also discovered I had a flat tire, which is how I discovered the strange cultural topography of Carpinteria and Summerland in the first place.For those of you who have seen my car, you will know that it has two neat dents on the passenger

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

2006-08-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

There are a few regulars I pass on the way to work in the morning, the Latin woman with the wheely suitcase who never fails to compliment me on my choice of skirts, the aging Hepcat who dresses like Johnny Cash and wears a black Fedora over his Elvis Costello glasses and impeccably trimed silver goatee--no matter what the weather might be.I see these people nearly every day and feel like I ought

Some very hostile haiku.

2006-07-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

There's always one completely irrelevant asshole in every class who doesn't understand that you have to work within the text in literature classes, and constantly provides these external references that are usually completely unrelatable. No one wants to listen to this. No one. Normally, I want to shoot someone, myself of the longwinded bastard, to end the misery. Today, perhaps inspired by the

Post script on kittens.

2006-07-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

She is also called: Zozos, Zoso, Noodle, Doodle, Midget Cat, Demon, Fuckin' Cute

The Naming of Cats

2006-07-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

"The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn't just one of your holiday games; You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES. First of all, there's the name that the family use daily, Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James, Such as Victor or Jonathan, or George or Bill Bailey - All of them sensible everyday names. There are

I get drunk and sing showtunes.

2006-07-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

This is Broadway fodder I'm stealing from my Manly Man. Non-theatre kids can ignore at their leisure.Name 10 of your favorite Broadway shows1. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street2. Cabaret3. Sunset Boulevard4. Urinetown5. Last Five Years6. Avenue Q7. RENT8. Man of La Mancha9. Nine10. Damn YankeesHave you ever seen these shows live? On Broadway: 2, 4, 6, 7, 9. In San Francisco: 4, 7, 8,

The best thing I have ever overheard.

2006-07-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Do you have a throat infection or are you pregnant?"--said in a slightly British, slightly bitchy manner by a man eating a sandwhich with his friends

Dear Man Creatures of the Santa Barbara Area and World in General,

2006-07-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

Please stop feeding us lines.If we have a ring on our left ring finger, you should abort your mission. Telling us how beautiful we are or that we are "works of art" is not going to make us leave our significant others. In fact, it's just going to make you seem like a douchebag. Don't ask to be my fucking friend after a failed attempt at picking me up with a line. If you really wanted to be my

Thanks, News-Press.

2006-07-07T09:55:00.001-07:00

There is craziness going down at the Santa Barbara News-Press. It would have only been better if someone defecated on the morning edition before being escorted out of the office.Sorry, News-Press.My editor is quoted in that one.And this is all the News-Press has to say about it. Way to make a statement, Armstrong.

Dance, dance. We're falling apart to half time.

2006-07-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, before I get to the point of this, I must interject that the cutest thing in the world just occurred. Zoey, the kitten, just crawled up from my lap and sat on my keyboard. Disturbed by the noises, she is now hunting her Octopussy. I love this cat!Now I go on to prove the point that reality television is actually smarter than we give it credit for. On last night's Dancey Dance Show aka So

Isla Vista will not be missed.

2006-07-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

My new apartment is awesome.What is also awesome is that Netflix allows you to change your gender on your account. How progressive of them!What is not awesome is that I hurt (and look) like my boyfriend beats me. Bruises galore from moving and my muscles have suddenly aged 30 years over night. Goddamn. That shit is brutal.Oh, also, my booze (i.e. my Kaluha, Baileys, Jameson) got left behind,

Little bits of Hobbit.

2006-06-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

I am never going to have to actually read the Lord of the Rings series because I continue to receive it paragraph by paragraph at the end of spam messages in my inbox. Given the length of the tomes, this way is easier to digest.At least I've stopped getting bits of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

A Hobbit loophole.

2006-06-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

A selection from Tolkien this morning. dark-green hood. As soon a the door was opened, he pushed inside, just as if he had been expected. He hung his hooded cloak on the nearest peg, and Dwalin at your service! he said with a low bow.Bilbo Baggins at yours! said the hobbit, too surprised to ask any questions for the moment. When the silence that followed had become uncomfortable, he added: I am

Bullseye here.

2006-06-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

You can literally see the jealousy when Jennie announces that she and Sam are going to go shopping at the Target in Santa Maria.This is why Santa Barbara needs a damn Target. They can stick it in Goleta, out in Ellwood. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be downtown, flaunting its contemporary architecture and hugeness over our mandated Spanish-style building codes. Stick it on Turnpike! On

Richard Bach should shoot these people in the face.

2006-06-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

This was todays spam finding. And I can sure as hell identify the work from which it was stolen because I've read it:popular with other birds. Even his parents were dismayed as Jonathan spent from? Oh, probably from the last pylon. He's right, it wouldn't be furtherthis: though there are battles and fights and blood and death where the without question. If someone starts fumbling or

Words, words, words.

2006-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

I have been following Shelley Jackson's Skin project for some time. I am, in fact, writing my thesis on it. And only when I got up the gumption to finally stick to a thesis on tattoo fiction, did I apply to become one of the author's words. I have not (yet) been chosen. However, Jackson has recently updated the map of where all the words live. When I saw the map, I found the poetry of the thing

And Tom squeezed the Horchata.

2006-06-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

I got part of a legitimate story today amidst my porn/erectile disfunction emails. this doesn't sound like a rule for a loop. So I went to the locker room, pulled on my lab clothes and lit up. All "I say you are free."So I decided the hell with it. The last time I had gone into the Zone at "I'm ready " he said at last. "Once the time I spent thanks to you was over, I went

Porno Poetry

2006-06-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

I find that my work email is continually spammed by porn offers and stock tips. Thanks for you consideration, but I can find hot Russian teens on my own, now that I speak Idiot Level Russian, and I'll choose my portfolio based of non-emailed tips. P.S. I have no penis, therefore, don't need Viagra.However, these clever bastards have figured out a way to get past spam filters by filling their

This is our emo band name.

2006-06-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

The Teapot Fire.Or The Fiery Teapots?I can't decide which is better, but both of these pictures can barely do justice to the flaming mess my teapot became. Negligence. Plastic handles. Hot metal. You do the math.I am now short one teapot. But it's okay. I got it in Dad's garage, where everything is free and comes in bulk.I will purchase a new teapot tomorrow after work. Preferably one that won't

A Vendetta Against Fruit

2006-06-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

And those who throw it.As I sit down in my vehicle this morning to drive to campus, I notice that there is a large, semi-circular crack beginning around the area where my rear-view mirror is and arching perfectly down into my field of vision and my passenger's. How the fuck did this get here?According to the pulpy goodness stuck in the middle of this crack, I blame some sort of citrus fruit,

Jean Blues

2006-05-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

I am so certain that designers create these concoctions out of denim and have no idea exactly how they are supposed to fit anyone who isn't straight as a fucking board.I have 36" hips, which are massive compared to the 32" bust line, small shoulders, and 29" waist. I went to 6 different stores downtown today and tried on tons and tons of jeans, only to realize that every pair fell into the same

Four Funerals and a Wedding

2006-05-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

On the way to Josh and Bryna's wedding in Aptos, CA I witnessed the most macabre traffic accident I have ever seen.Traffic comes to a stop just before I get into the civilized (re: no farmland) part of Salinas. I wait for about 20 minutes in traffic, before the highway patrol merges the two-lane highway into 1 lane. As I drive take a gander at the car turned on its side by the center divider so

Holes in my ears and head.

2006-05-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have had a string of bad earring luck lately. On Thursday, I somehow managed to spend an entire day wearing two completely different earrings. One was a thin chain of green beads, maybe an inch long. The other was a crazy dangle earring with many strands of purple beads and glass that is roughtly 3 times the length of the other. Why did no one tell me this?This second instance is more proof